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Rachel Gurevich

Womb warrior and creative writer

The #1 Mistake Moms Make When Creating Birth Plans

October 20, 2013 By Rachel Gurevich 12 Comments

If you’ve spent any amount of time reading birth stories, mommy blogs, or pregnancy and birth forums, you’ll see references to…

* Birth plans flying out windows

* Birth plans being thrown out windows

We all know what the mom means: the birth she planned and hoped for didn’t go as expected. There are so many reasons why this may happen, but this post isn’t about that.

See, the #1 mistake moms make when creating a birth plan isn’t related to the birth not going as hoped. It’s related to how they see the birth plan itself.

Birth Plans Don’t Have Wings. They Can’t Fly Out Windows.

Birth plans flying out a window.
If birth plans could fly…

The most important aspect of your birth plan isn’t getting the birth to play out how you’d like. The most important aspect of your birth plan is preparing for the birth and creating your plan.

You may say this is the same thing, but it’s not at all.

If your number one goal in creating your birth plan is getting the birth to go just as you hope, then you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Of course, you should do whatever you can to help have a healthy, happy birth. And of course you should take steps to get there – but your entire birth-plan-success shouldn’t be outcome based.

Outcome-based-birth-plans are risky (emotional) business. Things happen. Babies are born too early. Epidurals are desperately needed or unexpectedly unavailable. Cesarean sections — planned differently or originally unplanned — happen.

Planning-based-birth-plans aren’t about what happens, but about the preparation and planning you put in. Things still may happen that weren’t “part of the plan” but that doesn’t matter as much anymore. You haven’t as deeply invested in having the birth go a particular way. What you have invested in is doing the best you can, before the birth, to prepare for yourself and your baby.

And quite honestly? That’s the only thing you can control – how much you research and prepare, so you’re ready to have your baby and deal with whatever happens, for better or for worse.

Why It Matters How We View Birth Planning

You may think how you view the birth plan isn’t as important as getting the birth you want.

That’s not quite true.

How we see our birth experience is very important, and it can have a big impact on our confidence levels in early motherhood. A mom who feels she “failed” at having the birth she wanted may feel she isn’t cut out to be a good mother. This in turn can have a negative effect on breastfeeding confidence. Then, if she wanted to breastfeed, and things get difficult, this again can weigh on her confidence as a mother even more. She may give up or not reach out for help because she already sees herself or her body as “inadequate.”

Now, changing the way we see birth plans won’t make a traumatic or bad birth experience suddenly good. Of course not. But, it may allow more self-forgiveness. It may allow room to reach out for help in coping with a traumatic experience, and talking about it.

When we see a traumatic birth — or a not necessarily traumatic birth but a less-than-ideal birth — as our fault, it stands in the way of getting help. It creates shame. And when we feel ashamed, we feel unworthy of reaching out for help. We see ourselves as unable to be good mothers, instead of seeing ourselves as good moms who had a less than ideal birth – moms who did the best they could in planning and preparing.

Wishy-Washy Birth Planning vs. Well-Prepared Birth Planning

Some people may criticize this outlook towards birth. They may say I’m encouraging moms to not really care about the outcome. That if all that matters is preparing and planning, then it’ll be “too easy” to back out of more difficult birth aspirations when the going gets tough.

That’s just not so.

Look, yes, lots of moms create birth plans without really intending to follow them out, or not really knowing how to get what they want. Lots of moms create plans that are practically assured to go differently because of the doctor or midwife they choose, or the place they choose to give birth, or their total lack of preparation. That’s not what I’m encouraging here at all.

(And honestly, even this is a plan, kind of. Some moms may feel pressured to plan a certain kind of birth, and in not taking preparation seriously, they are just setting themselves up for the birth they really want to have, as opposed to the birth they think they should have… and some moms don’t really know what steps they need to take to get the birth they want. But those are topics for different blog posts.)

I’m encouraging you to have a more compassionate view of birth planning. One that takes into account that birth isn’t always going to go the way we expect it. One that takes into account that what we think the birth will be like – whether it’s our first or fifth birth – may not actually go the way we imagined. And that means we’ll need to make changes.

Birth isn’t a test. Neither is motherhood. There’s no grading system. You don’t get an A+ if you have the birth you wanted, and a D- if it goes totally wrong. You don’t get an A+ for breastfeeding, and an F for choosing or needing formula.

Birth and motherhood is complicated, so, so complicated, and unfortunately, many birth and motherhood outcomes aren’t 100% under our control. (But wouldn’t be nice if it were?) All we can do is prepare and plan. We can’t guarantee outcomes.

So why put all this pressure on ourselves – and our birth plans – and judge them as failed if they don’t go exactly as they were on paper, or as we envisioned it?

Don’t Give Up on Birth Planning and Preparation

At the same time, we shouldn’t just give up on the idea of birth planning altogether.

You should plan and prepare, for every birth. That’s what smart moms do.

Think your birth plan “flew out the window” last time? Here’s a secret: it didn’t go anywhere. All that planning and preparing stayed in your heart and mind during your beautifully imperfect birth.

Your birth plan didn’t fly out the window. You couldn’t even throw it out the window if you tried.

Your experience and knowledge stay with you, no matter what happens.

And at your next birth, should you be blessed with another child, you’ll have along with you not only your new plan and preparation, but also the experience of your last birth.

Smart moms plan and prepare for each birth. Compassionate moms do their best not to judge themselves (or other moms) when the plan doesn’t lead to a specific outcome.

Be a smart and compassionate mom when you’re planning your birth, and you will avoid the #1 mistake moms make when birth planning.

Win a Free Copy of Birth Plans for Dummies for Yourself or a Friend

This contest is over, and we have a winner! Actually, two winners! Because I’m just so nice like that. 😉

Using a random number generator, our winners have turned out to be…

Sandra and Kayleigh! Yay! Congratulations!

Thanks to everyone who played. 🙂

Would you like to win a free copy of Birth Plans for Dummies, which, despite its title, is written for smart moms, not dummies? And, most importantly of course, written by moi and my coauthor Sharon Perkins? You’ll find in it lots of information and resources to help you plan your next birth, no matter what kind of birth you hope to have.

I’ll randomly choose at least one person to win a copy of Birth Plans for Dummies, which they can either have mailed to themselves or mailed to a friend. There are multiple ways to enter, so pay attention!

1)      Share this blog post on your social media of choice (Twitter, Facebook, Google+, etc.), and get one entry per social media platform entry! (In other words, share on Twitter and Google+, that’s two entries… but two shares on just Twitter are just one entry.) Use the hash tag #smartbirthplan when sharing, and I’ll retweet!

2)      Sign up for newsletter updates to the blog (sign up box in the upper right, box titled “Get Updates via Email”) OR sign up to the RSS feed, and get another entry!

3)      Share a link to this blog (and share your thoughts on the topic) on your own blog, and get another entry! (You may not, however, copy-paste this post into your blog. That would be stealing, and you wouldn’t want to do that… oh no, no, no.)

4)      Leave a comment on this blog for an entry! (If you leave multiple comments, though, only your first comment counts towards entry… but please, participate in the conversation anyway!)

Rules!

1)      To have your entries count, YOU MUST LEAVE A COMMENT. In your comment, tell me which methods of entry you did. (In other words, tell me in your comment that you signed up for the newsletter and shared on Twitter. Or that you blogged about this, and share a link to your blog post. Or if you just want to enter by leaving a comment, that’s cool, too!) If you don’t leave a comment, and you don’t TELL me in that comment that you signed up for the newsletter or shared the post or whatever, I won’t have any way of counting your entries.

2)      You must share your correct, working email address when you leave your comment, so I can reach you if you win. (Your email address will only be seen by me, as long as you don’t paste it into your actual comment.)

3)      If it’s illegal in your state or country to participate in a contest like this, then don’t do it. Obviously. 🙂

4)      If we get 20 or more participants, I will give two books away. And if we get 30 or more participants, I will give three books away. (A girl can dream, can’t she…)

5)      Entries accepted until November 1st at midnight Eastern Standard Time. I’ll announce the winner on the blog on November 3rd. That’s only two weeks away, so hurry up and enter!

6)      If the winner(s) don’t respond to my email requesting their address within two weeks of posting the winners, I’ll choose alternate winners.

Want to leave a comment but don’t care to win a free copy of the book? (Come on, you don’t have at least one pregnant friend or relative?!) That’s okay, too. Just say in your comment that you’re not entering, but just joining the conversation. That’s cool.

Want to buy Birth Plans for Dummies now? Find the book at your online bookstore of choice, or ask for Birth Plans for Dummies at your local bookstore.

((Deep breath.))

So… thoughts? (No, not on the contest… on birth plans flying out windows!) Please talk to me below, I’d love to hear from you!

CC Image Courtesy of blmurch of Flickr.

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Comments

  1. Rachel GurevichJ. Rivkah says

    October 20, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    I’ll be sharing on Facebook! Well done Rachel!

    Reply
    • Rachel GurevichRachel Gurevich says

      October 20, 2013 at 7:35 pm

      Thanks, Rivka! 🙂

      Reply
  2. Rachel GurevichPnina says

    October 20, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    I didn’t think I needed a birth plan bc I thought all my care providers were on the same page however my doula ended up having me “purple pushing” and also kind of took over my birth while my midwife stood back not interfering, wish I had a bp!

    Reply
    • Rachel GurevichRachel Gurevich says

      October 20, 2013 at 8:22 pm

      Pnina, ugh on the purple pushing, and yikes on the midwife not saying or doing something. Though I bet it was a confusing moment for all involved… perhaps the midwife thought the doula was doing what you had wanted? Your experience isn’t unusual. I’ve heard from moms who thought since they hired a midwife, or because they planned a home birth, they just assumed their care providers already agreed with them… but in fact, sometimes they had *very* different ideas on what the birth would play out as. Always a good idea to talk things over together before labor begins, no matter who is supporting you. Thanks for commenting!

      Reply
  3. Rachel GurevichEster says

    October 20, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    Way to go Rachel! I’m sharing this giveaway with my friends and blog readers!

    Reply
    • Rachel GurevichRachel Gurevich says

      October 20, 2013 at 8:23 pm

      Awesome, thanks Ester! 🙂

      Reply
  4. Rachel GurevichSandra says

    October 21, 2013 at 9:19 am

    I’ve shared on my FB page, and I’ll put it out on Twitter a little later. Good luck!

    Reply
    • Rachel GurevichRachel Gurevich says

      October 25, 2013 at 7:39 am

      Thank you, Sandra!

      Reply
  5. Rachel GurevichKayleigh says

    October 25, 2013 at 12:15 am

    I Love your book the doula advatage, so of coarse i’m going to try and win another book 🙂
    When i was pregnant with my first son i wanted a natural birth, when i was 28 weeks pregnant i was told it would most likely be a c-section due to the position of the baby (breech) I was also told not to try and turn the baby or I could harm him.
    I ended up having a c-section, I was so sad, more sad after the fact when i realized that I was bullied into a c-section by an o.b who was going on holiday the day after my section. I was not happy at all with the results, and the fact that I could have been given more options, but the o.b. took all my choices away.
    My second pregnancy was different I went with a midwife, and at every turn I was presented with all these options, we spent hours discussing what i wanted, and how I felt towards certain procedures. I was told to visualize what I wanted to happen, but to leave an opening in my mind for the events that were not planned.
    Unfortunately when I went into labour at 5am (the time I visualized ) I knew that my midwife was on her way to another city to do some teaching. I was sad, but I was quickly able to bring myself back to the zone I needed to be in. I visualized the next step, my cervix opening with each contraction. I held my husband close. He also knew my plan, and helped me all the way to a healthy, natural, drug free birth.
    I got the VBAC I wanted.
    Kayleigh,
    P.S. Shared on The Bestfed projects page, will get it to the blog this week, and shared it into my doula groups.

    Reply
    • Rachel GurevichRachel Gurevich says

      October 25, 2013 at 7:41 am

      Thanks for sharing, Kayleigh! And thank you for sharing your story here. I’m glad your second birth went well and you got your VBAC. A better birth can really be healing to a former disappointing one. My second son’s birth really helped me heal from my first birth, which I experienced as traumatic (even if from the outside, most wouldn’t have seen it that way.)

      Reply
  6. Rachel GurevichDawn says

    October 28, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I’m always worried the unexpected will happen. Then whatever the plan, it has to change.

    Reply
  7. Rachel GurevichSarahBee says

    November 1, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Shared on Twitter.
    Great post. With my youngest who is two months now, I wrote up a few versions. One was for my ideal situation, then I wrote for emergency cesarean and other situations as well. I felt more empowered knowing I was informed about choices that could come up in non-ideal situations. I think it also helped my nurse who had never attended an unmedicated birth before. The hospital policies required intermittent monitoring at minimum and she creatively figured out a way to do it as non-invasively as possible so I could stay on a birthing ball in the shower, which was her idea as well since I wanted to be in water and there was no tub. Without having things written down, I’m not sure it would have gone as well.

    Reply

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About Rachel

Rachel GurevichThanks for visiting! I'm Rachel. I write about mothering, writing, creativity, literature, and all things womb related. If those topics appeal to you, you've found the right place. Please join the conversation! [Read More …]

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